A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager,  “How much is that new Barbie in the window?”

The Manager replied, “Which one? We have
‘Barbie goes to the gym’ for $19.95,
‘Barbie goes to the Ball’ for $19.95,
‘Barbie goes shopping’ for $19.95,
‘Barbie goes to the beach’ for $19.95,
‘Barbie goes to the Nightclub’ for $19.95 and
‘Divorced Barbie’ for $375.00″

“Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.

The store manager replied: “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s house, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat, Ken’s furniture and all of  Ken’s savings

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, ‘If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?’

She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, ‘None, they’ll all fly away with the first gunshot.’

The teacher replies, ‘The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’

Then little RALPHY says, ‘I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?’

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’
To which Little RALPHY replied, ‘The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.’

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
Why?’ asks the father?
‘The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3,” I said ’6′, replies RALPHY.
‘But that’s right!’ says his dad.
‘Yeah, but then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?”
‘What’s the f***’s the difference?’ asks the father.
‘That’s what I said!’

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, ‘Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’
RALPHY says ‘Mas-tur-bate.’

Miss Rogers smiles and says, ‘Wow, little RALPHY, that’s a mouthful.’

Little RALPHY says, ‘No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.’

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet. He yelled out, ‘Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!’

The teacher replied, ‘Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘ur-I-nate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.’

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, ‘You’re an eight,
but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!’

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word ‘beautiful’ in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, ‘My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.’

‘Very good, Suzie,’ replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
‘My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.’

She said, ‘Excellent, Michael!’ Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

‘Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said ‘Beautiful, just f****ing beautiful!”

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, ‘Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.’

Little RALPHY replied, ‘My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.’

The man asked, ‘Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?’

Little RALPHY answered, ‘No, he minded his own f***ing business.

I LOVE Little RALPHY!

HER DIARY:

Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day

long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation was not flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he did not
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, “Nothing.” I asked him
if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he was not upset, that
it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way
home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I cannot explain his behavior. I do not know why he did not
say, “I love you, too.” When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
caress, and we made love. However, I still felt that he was
distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I
cried. I do not know what to do. I am almost sure that his thoughts
are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and
she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal
went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
the courage to ask her, ” Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of ‘ careful consideration’ , she
answered “Yes. Yes, I will. ”

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
Their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she
say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just Could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to The
telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more
courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you
say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’
and I Meant it with all my heart. ” Then she continued, “I am so glad
that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

WOMAN’S DREAM:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend’s wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Smile yourself to Happiness and Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

MAN’S DESIRES
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Morning Sex.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Noontime Sex.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.
7:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. George Bush resigns.
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetisers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 21 years old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to ecstasy and sleep

Billy the boxer has become the constant companion of the 12-day old kid called Lilly. He sleeps with the goat, licks her clean, and protects her from any dangers at Pennywell Farm wildlife centre at Buckfastleigh, near Totnes, Devon.

Billy and Lilly have formed a close bond

The kid was abandoned by her mother when she was only a few hours old and adopted by paternal Billy when his owner Elizabeth Tozer began hand rearing the goat.

The unusual bond has developed over the last month and the pair are now inseparable.

Elizabeth said: “Lilly follows Billy around which is really quite amusing to watch and Billy sleeps with the goat and cleans her mouth after she feeds.”

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Billy the boxer protects his little kid

Lilly was the smallest of a litter of three kids and her mother abandoned her because she could only care for the two stronger ones. The pair have attracted quite a crowd at the animal centre and the staff are keen to see how their relationship will develop.